I like him. But I loved you. I was so in love with you.
I let you go because I had to. Because it hurt too much.
I needed to be able to look at you and still see this great guy that was trustworthy and understanding.
I needed to be able to look at you and see my best friend, not just another person who let me down.
I moved on, yes, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten.
And that doesn’t mean that I won’t be here anymore if you ever want to come back.

"Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every ‘superstar,’ every ‘supreme leader,’ every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there — on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand.

It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known."

-Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot

Oh how life has changed since I last wrote in here...

Living in NY, since November 09. Isaac and I broke up. Had a lot of stress on the relationship that he was too much of an asshole to deal with like a man. Someone breaking into our jeep and trying to steal my identity, having someone break into our apt and steal things which cannot be traced, or mentioned...him not working, me working 40+ hours in HELL, (I loved the people I worked with at CSL, but let's be real, high risk of blood-borne pathogens, stuffy lab coat/gloves/scrubs/protective visor=stressfulx12346523! I always almost passed out from heat exhaustion. Heh.) me not being able to make friends because of Isaac pushing weight, not being able to get up and go and do things for ME and instead having to deal with an 8 year old boy trapped in a 20 year olds body....all things that lead to the fight. Our fights, from the very first one, got increasingly worse as time went on. 97% of the time we were the best of best friends. 2% we annoyed each other. 1%...volatile. At first just snippy things would be said, me giving up, him always needing the last word. I'd let him have it, but after 5-10 bitchy things said by him, i'd try to remind him that he said we were going to stop, but instead he'd immediately yell "SHUT THE FUCK UP STUPID BITCH. I said SHUT UP!" Which never sat well with me.. Especially considering it was double-sided. And HE was the one being the bitch. So the fighting continued. Usually we'd stop. Cool off. Apologize. This fight however was not at all like that. Haze got scared by Isaac yelling and was scared for me so he was barking at him to protect me. Isaac beat him, badly, like he always has and still does, and I tried to protect him. Pulled Isaac away from the cage after he threw Haze inside. And tried to block him from going back in to beat on Haze some more. So, I got the blow. Which pissed Haze off more, which pissed Isaac off more because Haze actually respects and loves me. Isaac wanted to leave but I wouldn't let him because our window was still broken from the break in, and he had broken my phone, and I was scared because we live in the middle of fucking Ahwatukee and no one I knew was anywhere in a 20 mile radius. So I feared the people who had broken in might come back, as we didn't catch them, and we had found the zip ties they were going to tie us up with has we been home when they broke in. I thought my fear was rational. Doucherton, only ever thinking for himself, did not. So I hid the keys to the jeep that I paid for. It's not fair that he gets to go out and have fun while he leaves me at home with no one to talk to. He had been drinking too so I didn't want him angry-drunk driving my jeep. But he thought the cops would show up because he was screaming at Haze and I. So I told him to take a walk. He searched for the keys, and got angrier and more scared about the cops, and that led to him pushing me around and dragging me through the apt to show him where they were. I held strong in not telling him. And that lead to him pushing me around some more. So I pushed back, deliberately into a door, and out into the hallway so I could close our bedroom door and hide away. He took that as me being crazy and out of control and grounds to "hold me down." <-his defense. In reality he was kneeling on my chest, holding my arms down to the ground, bruising my arms, and constantly slamming them onto the floor. Pushing my face into the ground, and choking me. I honestly couldn't breathe, my lungs HURT and were begging for air. So I did the only things I could physically do to hurt him in an attempt to get him off of me...I scratched and bit him like a little puss puss girl. That kinda worked. Because it made him bleed. But it lead to me getting punched in the ribs a few times. I laughed because it knocked the wind out of me, and that's always my reaction when the wind gets knocked out of me. But it made him think I was crazy so he hit me a few more times. He pulled a knife on me, telling me it was wrong of me to threaten to ruin his life and call the cops so he was going to ruin mine. I fled. I ran so fast out that door. He chased. I hid. I eventually went back to see if he had left. Different Isaac when I went back. He promised he wouldn't leave and would be sweet if I just showed him where the keys were. So I did, then he laughed in my face and tried to leave. I wouldn't let him. I held onto him. I ran into the backseat of the jeep. He tried pulling me out. He couldn't get a good grab on me, and was pulling my pants off, a passing car stopped and he told them I was crazy and wouldn't get out of HIS car. His car? I begged for help but the guy left. So Isaac really thought the cops were going to come now, and pulled me out by my hair, tossed me on the ground, got in the jeep and took off. Our neighbors had the gall to tell me I had problems. Cool that Isaac talked smack to them while I was hiding from the knife.. He came back after a night of drinking with the boys, getting girls numbers... Told me I had to leave. I had no reason to stay in Arizona, to have these things we both earned. To raise Haze who disobeys Isaac because he doesn't respect him because he's unstable. To live in the apt he cannot afford because he fcked his dealer and is too fucking lazy to get a job. I begged him not to make me go. But whatev, he's stronger and I just needed my Mom. I had to go. I needed my support system like never before. So he brought me around that day to get my ID, get my tickets, get my check and tell work i was leaving, It was a weird last day there. We had cooled off and realized the horrors of the night before. I foolishly wanted to work through them. To have Isaac get anger management, because he clearly just represses his negative emotions instead of dealing with them. But it wasn't happening. We were lovey when we got back to the apt and chilled for the last few hours before my flight. It was so confusing, but still I got on the plane. We both cried so fucking hard. He had the gall to ask again if he could do porn. Douchebag. Then I went home. To my Momma's, and cried for forever. I lost a lot of weight because stress does that to me. About 35 lbs in 2 weeks. I was soooo thin when I got back. Everyone thought it was drugs, lol. Dropped from DD to a small C. Which still makes me sad.. I didn't feel like me anymore. I had to reinvent myself in every possible way. It was so tough. So many things were always running through my mind. And I still missed him. I missed Arizona. The west coast lifestyle. The east coast does things differently...so stuck in their ways, so mean, so businesslike. My life had flipped upside down and i was no where near prepared for it. I started hanging out with friends and family when I could be around people without crying too bad. I still cried. But didn't sob uncontrollably anymore. Isaac called me a week later. We were going to remain friends... About 2 weeks of just friends turned into him telling me he loved me. And asking for pictures. So I spent the next 8 months off and on doing that. Being his patsy for when he was bored and needed someone to entertain him, for when he was down and needed encouragement, for when he was horny and needed me to get him back up on that pedestal he was placed on by his suffocating Mother. Very Freudian sexual tension in that mother/son relationship by the way. Serious psychological problems in that family that needs to be checked into. But he couldn't be those things for me. It was too much when I asked. Too much when I said I love you. Too much when I called him equally as often as he called me. He ended up getting a girl roommate..for sex. Who couldn't pay rent, and eventually moved out. He complained to me so much about Gabrielle. But also referred to everything in the apt that was once mine as 'theirs." He drove her to work. And she'd make food for him. And he'd tell me all these things. Thinking they were innocent, and if I were a friend they "shouldn't bother me." And if I "wanted to be in his life I would have to hear because it's not like that and I was just being stupid." Ended up fucking me hxc on the apt when he could no longer pay for it and was evicted. Racked up about $3400 because he was so sure he signed me off the lease, and did not. He ended up blaming me for that as well. Which was crap because I went the day before I left to sign myself off and he said he couldn't do it because he couldn't see anyone right then, he was too emotional. But he'd "take care of it the next day. He promised. Why would he do that and screw me over? He loved me." Pttth. But yeah...

The past 8 months were spent reinventing myself. Delved into buddhism, learning japanese, existentialism, de-evolution and gradual decline of intelligence in our world, conspiracy theories, chaos theory, drawing more often, anime<3, watched a lot of shows via the internet, spent way too much money on clothes and sech, went to SK8FEST, and a bunch of Falling For Daylight shows, fell in love with Exodus and Exodus Pt. 2, got back into my music, hung out with friends a bunch, spending more time with family. Had to build up my mental stamina..had a lot of anxiety attacks. Some were really scary. But that's where music came in, and napping, and Wayne. I love that kid so much. He's been a really good friend. And Caitlin. Supa excited I got to know her more. And have been able to help with hers and Volo's wedding, and lives in general. Been going out and partying a bunch. Met a lot of really cool people, and shared a lot of crazy, sometimes illegal, fun times. Worked my ass off at Lowe's. And by worked my ass off I mean wanted to hang myself I was so bored, and had to put up with everyone's shit there. Always kept a smile on my face though. Showed them bitches. ;) Til I quit about 3 weeks ago. Because fuck any noise in my life. Told Alyssa off. Told Jenn off. Told Tom off. =) Getting rid of anyone in my life I had to tolerate more than I enjoyed. Dealt with Mara and Joe recently splitting up. Manda and Combs. Been raising Hayden with Mike, as we are now roommates. Since March. Joe is too, but Joe's mostly just been a thorn in our sides. Fun to hang out with. Good, loyal brother. But inconsiderate of others. Understandable, but never tolerated. Despite the grime, and smell of ashtray, and constant flux of beer bottles in our sink/bags of beer next to my garbage, and dirty birds that occasionally come over, I wouldn't have my living situation any other way. Momma and Matthew just moved out! Finally no more projects! Cleaned that place out.

I never lost faith in myself or God. Never turned my back on love and how much it moves this world. Never stopped being positive, because I know it brings positive results. Never got suicidal, because that's never an option. My life is to be lived.

Product placement:

<3Versaemerge, saw them at SK8FEST2010!

Ahhhdorable:

I need this lil pup. I can't stop smiling when I look at that english bulldog.

<3books:

Gotta love MK&A, i'm a twin. =)

The hippie in me:

Artsy!:

Pretty little things:

Style I adore:

Shoooooes!:

Our world as I see it:

Yes please:

I just wanna use your love tonight:

LalaLies:

Fuck you Isaac Smith for throwing my heart away.

Things that make me giggle:

Life is a perception of your own reality:

All of these things make me want more friends, a new escape, a different view. I need to move.